Why the word ‘fat’ will never be glamorous, to me at least.

I’m a big girl. I’ve been big all my life. The only time when I wasn’t big was when I was a thin, frail toddler who would constantly fall sick, as mom would remember.

You see, as a big girl, I refer to myself a lot of names; plus size, curvy, curvaceous, vivacious etc (why must we label ourselves? So annoying!). But if there is one word I will not call myself, it’s ‘fat’.

No, I am not in denial. I am well aware that I am indeed fat. I have no problems with people calling me that, although I will twitch and feel the need to punch the person in the face, but I will never call myself that. It’s derogatory and as much as my fellow plus size sisters make it seem glamorous, make those who hurt them eat their heart out by embracing this derogatory term with pride, I for one find it extremely hard to join them in their embrace of the word, although how much of a supporter I am in the cause.

Believe me, I tried. I TRIED to like that word. I TRIED to incorporate it in my mind set and use it as form of witty comebacks for unwanted, unsolicited and stupid comments from people about my body. I did, I tried.

I hate society’s representation and stereotype of what a big girl should be like; easily bullied, low self-esteem, not sexy, not witty bla bla bla hence why I fight to break that stereotype. However, I find it hard to fight this stereotype if my fellow sisters keep using ‘fat’ as part of the fight. I understand why they do that, but it’s just hard, you know. WE understand why we use it, but do they understand the irony behind it too?

What I am trying to say is that while I rejoice the fight that women make for all plus size women out there, proudly calling us fat is a cause that I unfortunately think would not be a smart move especially if you’re dealing with other people who often do not feel strongly about what we feel strongly about. I just feel that by calling ourselves ‘fat’, we are helping them to reinforce the negative stereotype to which they put on us and while we may feel empowered, they may ridicule us even more.

I remember the other day I saw a beauty pageant that proudly fights for plus size women, but shamelessly call their pageant somewhere along the lines of ‘Fatgent: Pageant For All You Beautiful Fat Girls Out There’. Okay, maybe not exactly that, but I would imagine instead of applauds, people would laugh instead. Or ‘fatkini’. I don’t know you guys, I don’t buy it even though I loveeeee the idea behind it (and the beautiful designs!). Even for guys man, I feel for them. I saw a store in Giant called, ‘XXXXXXXXXL Store’. As much as, and this is me stereotyping, forgive me, think that men do not care much about the name, I find it demeaning and insensitive.

But you know, that’s just me. At the end of the day, I support body positive and feel that everyone have different ways of fighting for their own cause. Although it may not work for me, if it works for them then hey, , who I am to say otherwise? That is something that many of us should learn to understand I guess, huh? It feels like post-feminism you know, where you celebrate women and sexuality and stuff and other feminists (non-feminists as well) think that that’s just wrong and pushing women backwards.

 

Peer pressured into expressing self online

Note: This post is of blogger’s personal opinion and is not targeted at anybody in particular. She understands that whatever is written in this post does not apply to EVERYBODY, so don’t get too annoyed.

I have a problem with social media and special occasions. I feel that the combination of the two kind of ruin the authenticity of emotions being exhibited. What I mean is that, sometimes, when there’s a worldwide celebration (or any celebration) such as Father’s or Mother’s Day, I tend to feel ‘pressured’ to wish my parents by posting something on Facebook or Instagram because EVERYONE IS DOING IT.

It’s kind of one of those peer pressure thing, you know. If you don’t do it, you’re not a good child or something. I resisted doing it today for Father’s Day, only to eventually do it because everyone was doing it. I know, I was weak. Hah. But prior to uploading a picture of my sister and I together with our dad, I made a point to personally wish my dad first which I reckon some of us completely forgot to do and depended on Facebook tags to ‘notify’ our dads that we wished them. Really though, guys! Stahhhpppp!

What I find most weird is when people wished their grandparents or parents something (birthday etc…) on social networking sites (without any tagging them or anything) and I’m like, “but do your parents/grandparents have Instagram though? How do they know that you wished them or is this some kind of thing that you do to ‘show off’ to your peers?

And sometimes I find it weird when people who clearly hates their dad/mom/sister/brother/whatever is wishing them Happy Birthday and showing how much they ‘love’ them and ‘miss’ them. I mean, really though, you know you don’t have to right, just because everyone is doing it. Unless for some reason you’re feeling nostalgic and so guilty that you wanted to genuinely express your gratitude, then cool.

In saying these though, I just have to say that I’m not targeting anyone in particular. It was just something that came into my head when I was contemplating on whether I should post something for Father’s Day and stuff. No, not feeling bitter or anything. Probably a bit bitter and annoyed because I have a potpourri of emotions in me thanks to the exams, but yeah. All cool.

That said, Happy Father’s Day to all. (no, no irony here as I am genuinely wishing all dads out there, mine included.)

EDIT: On another note, I do acknowledge that some people find sharing what they feel online is therapeutic. I do too. Like, sharing a picture of my late grandfather and me on Facebook and writing about my emotions and what not and having people to leave encouraging comments and wise words is sometimes really nice. That part I get.

 

All that kink at 15.

I revisited my old blog – a blog I made as a 15-year-old late November of ’05.

It was awkward to visit myself again. I was at a point where I just couldn’t wait to grow up having been departed from two previous blogs I made when I was 11 and 13. I figured, the only way for me to appear grown up was to talk about all things sexual. Hence words such as ‘kinky’, ‘porn’, ‘horny’, ‘XXX’, ‘fucking’, and ‘sexy’ were used and reused without a second thought.

December 15, 2005 – 15 years old

“my sister went for carol practise. i was suppose to go as well, but too lazy. so here i am. alone and feeling extremely kinky as usual. too bad my johnny bravo is busy rite now.” 


I guess I find my teenage self somewhat interesting. Cringe-worthy, yes, but interesting nonetheless. It was a process of me growing up; a way for me to escape my real life insecurities by masking it with a really tough and sarcastic persona, albeit sexual.

December 24, 2008 – 18 years old

Blog title: “Sofia Legend Inspires Me” (in bold and big glaring words)

Oh shoot me now. Reading this, as a 24 year-old feminist now, makes me want to build a time machine, go back to 2008 and slap myself in the face and give myself a long ass lecture on how you’re not suppose to look at soft core pornstars as role models. I suppose, ‘INSPIRE’ is a strong word to use. My definition of inspiration today are women like Aung Saan Su Kyi, Lupita Nyong’o or Kimora Lee Simmons.

‘Fascination’ would be the correct word for my interest in S. L. as I thought it was interesting of her to showcase another side of her and how I secretly wanted to do that too, but obviously, I couldn’t because that would just be toooo insane for me. But yeah. Fascination is the word.

By the way…

Kimora Lee Simmons and I in 2011. I won a slogan competition to meet her when she came down to KL!

Kimora Lee Simmons and I in 2011. I won a slogan competition to meet her when she came down to KL!

Yeah, that happened and please, ignore the over the top eye make-up. It was my first real event with celebrity sightings!

But young me was not too bad. Ages 19 and above, I was quite, well, insightful. ‘i’s were proper ‘I’s, ‘rite’ was spelled as ‘right’, and I became more, how should I say, reflective.

February 21, 2010 – 20 years old

“…Anyway, I wonder if people were the person they portray on their blog. I read blogs, good blogs. Those intellectual blogs that only twisted, mindless freaks like myself would read as a way to fill up the void in my uncertain and occasionally fucked up brain. I wonder if these people, these geniuses as I like to oddly proclaim them (although, they should be gods), are the type of people who observes and dissects people in real life just like how they would in the cyber world. I bet they do, or else, where would they find their inspiration?”

Not too bad. *pats self*

Nowadays, I’m rather boring, I think. I spend less time exploring other blogs (blogs that I find inspirational in the past) and more time just being a university student. Boring, I know. I care less about how I write and more about what I write, which is sad since I know I can play around with words better than how I’m writing now (as in, this post right now). I just need to tap into my philosophical self to bring out sexy glasses-on, smoking hot, librarian/secretary me. Haha! Mmmmmm.

Jokes aside, I do get extremely jealous seeing how other people could flawlessly write beautifully without worrying about not being inspired by other people. In the case of me, I NEED to be inspired by other people’s writing to be able to tap into my ‘philosophical self’, if there is one. I’d like to think that there is! I guess that’s what makes some of my stuff special, I just wish that that specialness comes ALL THE DAMN TIME.

I’m rambling now.

(P.S.: If you’re interested to visit my old blog, you can’t unfortunately. I have decided, long before I started THIS BLOG SPARKLES, to lock that part of my life now and set it on private for my own guilty pleasure to revisit now and then. I’m sure you’d be interested to dig out juicy details of me in the past, but trust me, like I said, I’m a bore. *wink*)

In the pursuit of cool.

Click image for larger view.

These are genuine friends whom I genuinely have fun with.

I feel the need to clarify that to myself sometimes, especially whenever I see these pictures of me having fun with these bunch of amazing people because 17-year old me would never have believed that I would achieve this level of coolness. That in order for me to be in this situation, I would have to force myself to be with people I barely know, who spend a bit too much of their parents’ money on fun and who you need to suck up to so that they would accept you (or seemingly accept you) to be in their clique.

I went through that phase before. I guess at one point, we all did, especially the many of us who try to fit in to the more ‘cool’ crowd so that we won’t feel left out.

I suppose if there’s one thing I could tell my past self is that I shouldn’t feel pressured to be cool. There was a point in my life where I was contemplating on being with people I barely know and who do not appreciate me enough to call me their friend, who were not there when I needed them and who made me feel like shit about myself.

My past self should know that there is no shame in telling friends that you are broke even if you know that they are never broke because they are just a bit more lucky than you financially. Nobody, not even the most beautiful and richest person around, should not make you feel any less of yourself because we are all fortunate in our own little way; me with my sassy, diva-esque personality; them with their RM10k worth of car and yearly trips to Paris, England or somewhere exotic like Sicily. (Not referring to anyone here by the way)

So here’s a secret. While you are in the pursuit of being cool, never forget to appreciate the cool that you already have within you, which is yourself. Because once you realize how cool you are and stop chasing the stereotypical definition of cool, only then would you create your own pool of cool with genuine friends who are equally as cool if not more. Together, you and them will be cool. It just takes time and patience is all.

Always acknowledge the green grass on your side too and start planting flowers while you’re at it. 

It’s never easy to appreciate what you have now, heck, I’m still struggling, but looking back at all these pictures made me realize that my life isn’t THAT bad, so yeah. That’s pretty cool :)

 

Social network etiquette: Detox your friend list today

I don’t think anyone would have imagined a world where you could gather all your friends in one place and still be friends and keep in touch with each other despite not actually speaking to them, let alone know them personally. Social networking sites are pretty helpful in that way, but obviously, we have seen problems along the lines.

One problem for me personally is the amount of friends I have on my list who I either do not know, who post depressing/useless status updates or people who are not worth keeping in touch with.

I think if there’s one bad thing social networking sites force us to become is a HOARDER. There, I said it! Most of us (not all, but most) hoard (‘keep’) friends for one of those ‘just in case we need them in the future’ reasons. I mean, it’s alright if you don’t mind keeping them in your list, but it becomes a problem when they give you problems, you know. Like when they constantly post depressing statuses that depresses you too, or people who just so fake – it’s so annoying.

If you genuinely want to keep friends for networking purposes and being genuinely interested in keeping in touch with them, then that’s cool. But when doing that meant that you have to face CONSTANT negative vibes from this person (whether pointed directly/indirectly at you or not at all, but towards the general friends in his/her list), then it’s time to delete them, for your own good.

You don’t need all these drama as you have your own issues to deal with you, you know? But in saying that, you do need to know some of the general result to deleting people off your Facebook, i.e., they will get upset at you which I personally feel that they should stop doing that, especially when you and them are not CLOSE friends anyways, you know?

But anyway, I’ve compiled these list based on my own personal experience.

  People who you should delete off Facebook

  1. You don’t know them.
  2. You  used to know them but now we don’t. Both him/her and you have grown and are complete strangers now.
  3. You don’t want to have anything to do with them.
  4. You find them annoying, fake, incredibly negative and/or condescending to other people (you should always ALWAYS have positive people surrounding you)
  5. People who post depressing statuses all the time. Sure, you have the right to exercise your right as a Facebook account owner by expressing yourself in whatever manner, but that’s what Twitter are for, post depressing shit there.
  6. You want my list to be only of close friends and family.
  7. Too much drama on Facebook.
  8. These ‘friends’/ family are spies who are obsessed with finding all the wrong things (to them anyway) that you do with your life and need a reason to ‘complain’ about you.
  9. You added them in the past because you thought they are/were cute (superficial, yes, I know), but you’re not interested in having them in your list now.
  10. Ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, ex-friends, ex-classmates etc that are not worth keeping in touch with.
  11. Acquaintances or people you met off the internet (I would usually put my profile on strict privacy setting for these bunch)
  12. Friends who have changed and are terrorizing my life (real story; happened to me)
  13. Friends who think that they have the right to bring you to the ‘right path’ just because they are more religious than you and felt entitled to ‘teach’ you by dissing your lifestyle and values.
  14. You were forced to be Facebook-friends with them because your parents, friends – whoever – told (forced) you to do it.
  15. People (you barely know) shamelessly told you to add them on Facebook.
  16. They are not active on Facebook and you find no reason to keep them on your list – can this be a reason? I rather keep in touch with them via Whatsapp or whatever if they’re not into social networking sites.
  17. You want to keep them on your list, and Facebook is not suitable. Perhaps, other social networking platforms? – Skype, Twitter, Tumblr, email, Whatsapp?
  18. People who constantly post/share pictures/articles of dead people/animals/generally disgusting things for the fun of it. WHY?
  19. Frenemies – someone whom you are friends with dislikes, but secretly is Facebook friends with them to constantly find out what they’re up to and how you can top them off with your own success.

 

  People who you should keep on Facebook

  1. Friends and family whom you don’t mind snooping around your private life – they are understanding and cool with your life and your believes, so that’s awesome.
  2. Positive people! POSITIVE! None of those constant depressing, self obnoxious, condescending status updates on your dashboard. Pure bliss!
  3. People who post uplifting, humorous, and/or intellectually-stimulating status updates are awesome – or people who don’t post anything at all, doesn’t matter, as long as it’s nothing negative or depressing.
  4.  Your idols; people who inspire you- also whom you may or may not know but accepted your friend request anyway which is cool of them.
  5. People who do not belong in the list above.

Comforting things that you can tell yourself when someone deletes you off their Facebook – what I tell myself, Lol.

  1. It’s their right to do so, so whatever. I don’t care. I do it myself too – deleting people and stuff.
  2. I may belong in the list of ‘People I delete’. You can’t please everyone, unfortunately.
  3. I would rather have someone delete me if they feel that I do not ‘contribute’ as a friend. It makes both our lives easy and deleting/blocking me off Facebook would not ruin my friendship with you, so don’t feel bad about deleting me because I would still treat you as a friend and I respect your decision to ‘cleanse’ your online presence.
  4. Fuck you too! LOL. Kidding. Let’s be real life friends now.

LOL. Okay, bye!

(P.S.: An article worth reading perhaps? ‘The Top Five Types of People We All Unfriend On Facebook‘)

Favourite pre-teen show ever: Caitlin’s Way

This is pretty random (and pointless, but who cares, I love it nonetheless), but I scrolled down Twitter just now and saw a friend retweeting something from a girl named Caitlin and I straight away had a blast from the past moment with one of my favourite TV series; Caitlin’s Way.

It’s so crazy as to just how much of a fan girl Iwas towards the show. That show is just so, you know, me. (says any Y2K pre-teen girls pretending to be teens). But seriously though, I was such a HUGE fan! It’s insane!

caitlins-way

I also had major girl crush on Lindsay Felton too; the actress who played Caitlin. I Googled an image for her and this (look below) popped up! Oh the memories! I remember this picture! LOL.

Caitlins_Way_Lindsay_Felton_5

I Googled on new projects by her but her Twitter and Instagram popped up instead which is pretty cool. It’s nice to know that your favourite childhood idol is up and well today. I’m genuinely happy for her and she seemed like a cool person to get to know, but obviously, being friends with a fan half way across the world would be too weird. I don’t know. LOL.

Anyway, sorry if this post isn’t thought-worthy. I have many posts in my draft box which I have yet to complete (blaming school!!!!). Have a nice week ahead!

Jasmine x