How To Fart Like A Lady.

Hey, I have to clear some rumours here. Basically, just helping some boys out with this eternal question on, well, whether or not girls fart.

If you must know, yes, girls do fart. Surprising eh? And yes, despite popular belief, our farts do smell like perfume and we do indeed poop rainbows and butterflies.

Haha! ;)

I wish farting was an acceptable act so that I don’t have to be all awkward whenever I want to, well, fart. Hey hey! Before you cringe and call me disgusting, I know that you wish it was acceptable as well! Don’t tell me you like not being able to fart freely and having to control yourself whenever you want to fart!

Hypocrites! ;)

I get EXTREMELY self conscious when it comes to farting. I mean, the sound, the smell. Eeek! I especially hate it when I get sleepy and I couldn’t help myself but sleep in the library or during exams. I can never know when I would fart because, who on earth can control their farting when they’re not conscious?

There are times when I would sleep in the library and I would accidentally well, you know. That. And because I am extremely self conscious, one small fart will wake me up instantly and I’d spend minutes (10-20 precious minutes) cursing my ass off for doing that. “Fuckfuckfuck. Why did I just do that? Fuckfuckfuckkkk!“

As natural as it is, the thought of farting in public and having people to actually know that it’s you, well, that’s pretty wild.

It’s even worse when you had to fart in the toilet! I know toilets are meant to be a place where you can just do anything, but it gets a tiny bit embarrassing, especially when you know you’re not alone! You gotta control them and that is NOT cool.

Anyway, I have compiled a list which I thought you would appreciate me for it. Haha!

HOW TO FART LIKE A LADY

(I chose the term ‘lady’ because ladies are supposed to be prim and proper, which basically summarizes this list; the proper way of farting, or rather, concealing your fart! *wink*)

1. Don’t fart at all.

This is pretty hard but we have to live to our standards; girls don’t fart! Period!

2. Fart slowwllyyyy and as soundless as possible!

You know this well. You want to fart so badly, but you can’t, but you have to so you did it anyway, but slowly and as soundless as possible. (Lots of buts!)

You’d tighten up your butt cheeks and slowly let them farts out, concentrating on making it as soundless as possible! Yes, you feel like killing yourself for controlling an uncontrollable thing, but man does it feel good to let it out!

3.  Cough or turn the music up

You know the drill. Cough cough, fartttt… Cough cough cough, fart fart fart. Haha! Or better, purposely turn the music up or go up to your friend and be all, “Hey, listen to this new song!” Put the headphones on their ears and fart away while bringing your friends away from the farting spot so that they don’t know you did your thing.

Applies to boyfriends as well. I mean, if you’re still in that no farting stage. ;)

4. Bring a dog with you

Or a hamster, fish etc. When you accidentally farted, look at your pet and be all, “Shame on you Wilbert!” LOL. Though, I doubt people would believe you when you get angry on a virtual pet. Hmmmm…

5. Flush to fart

When you’re dying to fart but you can’t because you know that you’re not the only one in the toilet and the person saw your face as you walk into the toilet. All you can do is flush and quickly sneak in a fart. But I have to say though, some toilets are bitches. There are those which doesn’t have those long after-flush sounds, like those hotel ones, which can be extremely frustrating.

If so happens that you’re stuck with those kinds of toilets, you might want to think about applying method #3 ;)

6. Excuse yourself and be as far away (and act normal while you’re at it)

When you gotta go, you gotta go. So instead of farting in the presence of everybody, especially when you’re in a meeting, excuse yourself and calmly walk out of the room. Once you’re in a secured area, look around for spies and do your thing!

7. Look at other people suspiciously

*Fart* “WHOA! Who did that?“

Oh you know this! It’s the oldest trick in the book. The blame game. I do this all the time. Cringe and look at other people suspiciously. Haha! Guilty!

8. Make fun of yourself

*Fart* “Oh sorry everybody! I ate some curry today. Peee-ewwww! It stinks! Okay, nothing to look at here. Go on with whatever you’re doing!“

It takes the bravest of all girls to do this. I for one, need to master this to fully qualify myself as awesome.

A friend of mine (you know who you are!) introduced me to this post about girls and farting and I thought that it was brilliant! ‘The First Time You Fart In Front Of Someone You Like‘ Go read!

Sucks to have ass fetish.

I know a lot of my guy friends who have ass fetishes. They just realllllyyyyy like girls’ butts. I have no idea why, but they do. I find it disturbing, but hey, that’s just me.

“When a girl with a big ass walks in front of me and her ass bounces around… Ah man! It turns me on so bad, it’s not even funny! I just had to have her, right there, right now. You know what I mean?“

Uhm. No. Lol ;)

Speaking about farting and butts… You know where I’m going here. Hahaha. Ah man, I DO NOT want to the one with the ass fetish if I knew farting was an acceptable act. You know how traumatizing it is?!

I watched this porn blooper once. Which reminds me, you guys HAVE to watch porn bloopers! They are the best! HILARIOUS!

Anyway, there was this blooper showing this guy worshipping this really hot girl’s ass. By worshipping, I mean, suffocating himself with it, literally. So anyway, as he was doing that, the girl farted. I think the fart was so strong because his hair literally flew off! Hahaha!

He then got so pissed off that he literally stood up and stormed out of the set! IT WAS DISGUSTING BUT SOOOOOO FUNNY!!! I was laughing my ass off watching it! I watched that 3 years ago or so, but I still can remember how angry that guy was!

So, tell me. Who here has an ass fetish? Haha. Man, I gotta go ask some of my guy friends the WHAT IF question.

“What if a really hot girl whose ass you were worshiping farted? What then? Continue to suffocate yourself in it or walk away?“

HAHAHAH!