I’m at this point of life where I can make everything and anything happen. People call it naive. How can you live with such thought of assuming things are at the tip of your hands when it’s not? Well, how can I not? I have nothing to lose. I have a whole future in front of me, I have a blank canvas just waiting to be filled with colors. How can I not feel that I can make everything and anything happen? How can I not feel entitled?
I want to do so much and achieve just as much if not more, but here I am, writing this post on quarter life crisis. My constant panic, depression and confusion led me here. I don’t even know if I can call this a quarter life crisis, but if panic, depression and confusion are not symptoms of a crisis, then I don’t know what is.
I don’t know what I want. I mean, I know what I want. I want a lot of things.
I want to be a travel writer, traveling around the world, taking magnificent pictures and penning my thoughts and have people read it.
I want to work for a high-end lifestyle magazine, going to all these magnificent balls, meeting influential people and immersing myself in their lives, imagining it to be mine.
I want to work as a diplomat, traveling to various country representing and promoting my own, being housed in spectacular houses without worrying about the rent.
I want to work for Buzzfeed, or anything of that sort. Representing the voice of a new generation, a post-modern voice? I don’t know.
I want to work overseas, anywhere outside of Malaysia, though preferably the US. I find it interesting there, no matter how cliche that sounds.
I want to work for an international organization advocating the rights of marginalized communities or for women and young girls. I want to work with youths too, organizing projects and programmes for them.
I want to work for the Ministry of Tourism in Sabah, go overseas to promote Sabah. I love Sabah and would be more than happy to be a spokesperson for it.
I want to work for a PR firm handling big clients, attending and organzing fun events and brush shoulders with celebrities and influential people.
So, how I choose what I want? I feel like every choice I make is delicate and one that would determine my whole existance. I know it’s pretty dumb to think that way and of course, those who are older than me often tell me, “Take it from me, it doesn’t determine your future. If you don’t like what you’re doing now, then move on to something else”.
I suppose I am just afraid? Fear convinced me not do anything at all. It’s funny. I’ve always heard about starting the first step to change, but that is always associated to weight loss, not life in general.
“Take that first step”, I tell myself. “Take it.”
But then I stop mid track, thinking to myself, “What step? Which step? Which one should I go for?” Anxiety kicks in again and we’re back to square one.
“Be inspired by people around you. See what they’re doing and learn from it.” That’s a nice advice, but not a great one. I get more depressed seeing people my age pretty much figured out what they want from life. Well, some of them are still thinking but they’re moving forward while they do it and that’s scary for me.
“Stop being scared!” I screamed at myself. WHY. Why should I be scared? It’s so funny, it’s hilarious! What is there to be scared about, you should be excited! Life is exciting! Live it! This thought excite me and I tell myself, “YEAH! Live it! Be excited!” I would then be filled with ambition and dreams, I’d fill up my heart, mind and soul with all these. “You can do it, Jasmine! You can! Don’t be afraid!” I’d pep talk myself, and it works.
I’d start visualizing myself in all these exotic places, living my dreams. It’s amazing! I love it! I’m on a blank canvas after all, waiting to be filled with colours.
So, what’s next? Where do I go from now? What should I do?
I feel anxious, panicked, depressed and confused again. I’m here, back here again.