I don’t know why, but lately, all I’ve been writing about is on relationships and love. It’s weird really, I usually do not explore on these topics as much since I think that it’s a pretty talked about topic that needs no further exploration by me. But then I realize that, I’m not interested in talking about love and relationships as a whole but I am much more interested in focussing on the person in the relationship; that particular individual.
Which brings me to this topic.
I have to be honest, I am no relationship expert. Compare me with my sister, the expert right here is her. But if there’s one thing I know, it’s loving yourself and making the right kind of decisions for yourself. Hence this topic.
All my life, I have been surrounded by failed relationships or rather, failed marriages. Both my grandparents on both my dad and mom’s side are divorced and married to their own respective second husbands and wives. Hell, even my great grandparents were divorced and my great-grandfather re-married three times after that. And let’s not talk about my grandparents’ as well as my parents’ siblings; that would another long line of divorces, re-marriages and conversion of religion that I would rather not talk about.
And if that doesn’t hit close to home, even my parents are divorced themselves ever since I was 5 years old despite being married for 7 years with two children. So trust me when I say, I know A LOT about failed relationships and all the drama in between.
I guess what I’m trying to say here is that, failed relationships happen and it’s never a pretty sight. It happens because of the cheating, mistreatment or perhaps, you just don’t have anything in common any more. Yes, divorces and break ups are bad and it shows a bad image to people, but at the end of the day, despite how bad it looks, you’re doing it because you love yourself enough to get yourself out from it.
It doesn’t matter how long you have been with each other, what matters is whether you are happy or not, whether your partner respects and treats you equally and vice versa.
If there’s one thing I hate about relationships, it’s when one partner is treated unequally all in the name of ‘love’ or perhaps, he/she doesn’t feel the ‘love’ any more but forces him/herself to be with the partner anyway and suffer. Here are three of the many scenarios that I can think of. All based on real life experiences.
HELP! I HAVE A POSSESSIVE GIRLFRIEND!
“She didn’t want me to keep in touch with any of my girl friends or ex-girlfriends. She says that they’re all sluts and because I’m hot, they’re out to get me but I couldn’t see it because I’m a guy and she’s a girl. She says that she knows how girls think. But then, what’s unfair is that she gets to keep in touch with her guy friends and ex-boyfriends. When I told her about it, she laughed and said that there’s nothing between her and them and that she loves me and only me. She says that all her guy friends and ex-boyfriends are afraid of me because I’m stronger than them, so that’s why I shouldn’t worry.”
HELP! MY BOYFRIEND’S A WORKAHOLIC!
“I had a relationship with him because I wanted to be with him all the time. He’s a great guy who’s passionate about life and his career, a big plus for me. But right after we got together, I found out that he was more into his career than me and he often reassures me that I’m just as important but his career is his source of livelihood, so he can’t just not care about it. Of course, I can’t argue with that, so I gave in. But lately, I felt that our calls are getting more and more shorter and it felt like a chore on his end. When he calls me, we talk a lot about his day and less of mine or he would just call for the sake of calling since it has been our ritual ever since we both got together. We don’t go out much too because he’s always busy. Although I treasure this relationship, it feels that I’m the one who’s holding the relationship together while he’s too busy to do anything.”
HELP! I DON’T FEEL THE SAME WAY ANY MORE.
“I love and care for him, a lot. I define us as the perfect couple. We never fight, our families get along with each other and we respect each other highly. But there’s only one problem, I don’t feel the same way that I use to feel. When he tells me he loves me, I feel my skin crawl. It feels like my brother telling me that he loves me more than what a brother should. It was uncomfortable. When he kissed me, I don’t feel that spark any more. I feel tortured and unhappy. And I feel like there are problems with this relationship too; we don’t fight, at all… and I don’t know his friends and he doesn’t know mine despite being together for half a year. My friends tell me to break up with him on the basis that I shouldn’t lie to him and to myself any more. It’s the most hardest thing to do, especially when he is the most nicest guy I’ve ever met. The last thing I want to do was to hurt him.”
If you’re ever in a relationship and it’s making you unhappy, two words, break up.
It’s never easy to break up with somebody. You have to think of your friends, his/her family that you’ve gotten close to and most importantly, the history that you both had with each other. But at the end of the day, you’re way more important than the relationship itself. If you’re honestly not happy or feeling like you’ve been mistreated in the relationship, then get away from it and find someone that would make you happy and would not mistreat you in any way.
What’s important is that, if you think of breaking up with the person, then don’t drag the breaking up period. I, for example, felt that my three-month relationship with E was going sour, but because I was too afraid to break up with the guy, I let it roll for another three months which at that point, made it more harder for me.
If you really care for your partner and think that the problem is a small, treatable matter, then sit with them and talk about the issue. Communication is key and believe me, as much as he/she knows you well, they can’t always read your mind, so you have to talk about things that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable and let them change. You may see your relationship getting better from that point on. And if it doesn’t and they refuse to change, then it’s time for you to move on.
By giving them a chance, you can tell yourself that at least you tried to make the relationship work so it’s not as hard for you to let it go.
So to sum this post up, always remember that:
- Communication is key
- Don’t wait until it’s too late or too hard for you to get away
- Give them a chance to redeem themselves.
- Leave if they don’t change their ways
- Don’t let the length of the relationship or your history together stop you from making yourself happy
Good luck :)
A LITTLE MESSAGE FROM ME:
Some of you may read this post and think that “Yes, what she said is true but she has never been through this, so she doesn’t know how hard it is to just leave a relationship.” No no, I get it. I get how hard it is and how there are soooo many things in between that would affect your decision to break up with someone; if there’s a child involved, if you are truly in love with the person, if you don’t want to lose the family ties and friendship that you have acquired while being in the relationship… A lot of things.
When I wrote this, I was thinking more of it being directed to young people, teenagers or anybody who thinks that they have a choice to break up and move on because some of them have little problems in between to think about, not to say that other people do not have the same luxury to choose that choice or anything. But I get it, from the outside looking in, we tend to say, “Just break up with the guy, no biggie” but in reality, when you’re stuck in the situation, there is no such thing as just break up, it’s more complicated than that where emotions and ties will be affected.
So what this post is basically about, is to tell you the obvious, to move on if you’re not happy and find happiness elsewhere if you can and if you are ready. But if you can’t and you’re not ready, then it’s okay because I am pretty confident that breaking up with someone whom you think is perfect for you is not the ONLY solution. Sometimes, it doesn’t mean that if you get out of that relationship, all your problems will be solved. In fact, there are times when you get out of it but then, you’d feel so empty that you want to get in it again because you feel so used to it and then you’re back in square one and that’s not wrong.
Despite what other people tell you, it is your life after all and you determine how you live it. People although they don’t get you, they tell you to do the obvious – to break up – because they care for you and that’s the only solution that anybody can think of.
If you can leave, then leave. If you can’t, take your time and improve your relationship. If all else fails, find other solutions or just, well, bare with it if that’s the best solution you can think of.