I feel like crap today and I feel like writing about my feelings on this blog instead of my personal blog because I think it’s important to tell the whole world about how crappy I am feeling right now.
I am jealous. I am jealous of people; of their achievements, of their beauty and of how everyone else throws themselves on them and leaving me by the sidelines. I am jealous at how people just want to get close to them and don’t even bother to say hi to me because I’m just not worth saying hi to.
I feel like I’m the ugly duckling and everyone around me are fucking beautiful and perfect and nothing could go wrong in their lives despite how I try hard to make friends, have fun, be friendly… I mean, how is that when I try hard to be noticed, to be just as good as them if not better, I don’t get what they get – recognition.
I know what you may be saying. “Jasmine, stop trying and let things be.”
I’ve done that. It doesn’t work. Which is why I have decided to do something about it and make something work, but it never does. And here they are not even trying, just living life normally, and yet, people are coming up to them and recognizing them for their beauty and grace and fucking loving them, flaws and all. I feel so… Sigh.
I hate comparing myself to people, but it’s hard to not do that when you’ve been trying to hard to get noticed and you fall down even more. It’s not a good feeling.
I feel so desperate, so tired of trying. The more I try, the less I succeed. If I am pushed to the sidelines, I guess I just have to suck it up and accept it. I can’t be like her or him or like you, and if I have to be me, then let it be. I shall be the me who is forced to just smile and accept what’s happening around her.
I don’t like feeling like this. It’s a crappy feeling; to be unwanted, unloved, unappreciated. I just wish that I would have my own moment where people want to be with me instead of her and having to do all of that without even trying.
Me on a much happier day.