Antisocial

I don’t consider myself an antisocial, but staying alone and being drown in my own thoughts most of the time for more than a year now made me one. I’m fine with going out with friends and all that, but I do find it rather challenging to be around friends in my personal space (i.e., my room, house, car…).

When I went back to KK after 6 months of not going back, I realize that I became really annoyed and hostile with people around me but this only happens at home.

Mom would nag about me not making my bed or putting my clothes where it should be and I would just get so annoyed, more annoyed than I used to be. I don’t have any problems with a messy bed and I know that I will put my clothes back soon, so I don’t see the point to the nag.

But don’t get me wrong though. At the back of my mind, I do know that she meant well, but I just get so annoyed and I would suddenly find myself fantasizing about my nag-free life back in KL. I realize that her nagging didn’t bother me pre-KL, but now, it did. I love her to death, but it gets a bit too much sometimes despite how incredibly pointless it is to get annoyed at the nag.

Photo taken by me of Joe, the palm. (circa 2006)

See, the thing with living alone is that nobody gets hurt but yourself. You are in control of your own actions and if something goes wrong, you only have yourself to be blamed and that’s okay. You learn from it. But when you’re around people, you have to constantly mind what you say or what you do because once you fuck up, you’ll be in deep shit.

Awkward silences would start. Guilt would come banging at your door. Relationships would break. 

I have this belief that I mentally tattooed on me; that if so happens I make a mistake, instead of being so fucking pissed at myself, I’d take it as a lesson. It makes me happy when I do that because I feel less stressed up.

But see, not many people can do that. The moment they do a mistake, they would lash out at themselves and those around them. If I do a mistake that involves them, they would lash out at me; some very clearly and others, very subtly, but you can feel the tension.

I guess that’s why some people prefer to be alone. It’s less pressure for them because they don’t have to deal with drama other than of their own. But then again, it would be lonely. I got lonely when I didn’t have any human interaction during my 3-week long holiday. I was practically cooped up in my room most of the time and only had the Internet with me. That was not fun.

But then again, it’s such a contradiction though. You be alone to get away from drama, but when you’re with people, it is you who creates the drama by snapping out at people for nagging at you (one of the many examples) because you’re so used of not getting nagged when you’re alone. You catch my drift?

I’ve tried to control my anger/emotions ever since I was in KK last November until early February. It was such a big adjustment to be with people at home again so I had to take care of my temper (and mouth). Am still learning to control it, slowly but surely.

Ah, the life of a loner.

Oh, I have got a spectator to watch me cook now and then. Whenever I cook, she would be curious and start coming up to me and looking at what I was cooking. I don’t like it, to be honest. I prefer cooking alone and be lost in my own thoughts, not have someone behind me looking at me cook. More pressure that way. I hate pressure.

How do you tell people to go away without sounding rude? I don’t know. So I’m stuck.

Please go away. I’m not comfortable with you looking at me cook.” (???)

MEH.

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