Note: Upon reading this post, you would find that the men written here are in their late 20’s. And although they may not be THAT old (40-60 year old old), for a 16 year old, that is old, or at least, oldER. Just wanted to give you a little heads up!
Girl: 14, f, malaysia. u?
Guy: 30, m, USA. i hope that’s not too old for you.
Girl: oh, uhm. it’s fine i guess. whats ur name?
Guy: Tom. you?
Guy: pretty name! i think i like you already ;)
Girl: thanks :)
I started going on the Internet when I was 10. I started my first chat on ICQ when I was 11. My first engagement with porn was when I was 12. I knew what it was, porn, but I didn’t understand the significance behind it. Why do people like to see naked pictures of people?
I clicked pop outs after pop outs. Months later, the computer had to be repaired.
“Did you go on any sites? They said they found virus in the computer.” Mom looked at me, serious.
“No.” I lied.
“Are you sure?”
I remembered my first time being asked the question. I remember it quite clearly. I was in my mother’s room, where the computer was. I was using my months old ICQ account and I was talking to this guy.
I was 13.
Guy: what r u wearing now?
Girl: shorts, shirt.. u?
Guy: just my boxers.
Guy: what color?
Girl: white shirt, black pants i guess..
Guy deletes message. Guy writing…
Guy: I bet u look sexy in those shorts. mmmmmm… I can imagine you in it. so sexxxxyyyy…!
I felt a bit creeped out. Or, maybe, flattered. I don’t know. It was the first time a guy has ever complimented me. I was into the fact that he complimented me without even seeing how I look like! It was interesting.
I felt… beautiful.
When I was 16, I got to know this guy from Hi5.com. We’ve talked for about a year now and because I didn’t really get on to the site much, we didn’t really get to talk much; probably, once or twice every two to three months or so. I don’t know.
Then one day, he asked for me phone number. I gave him.
On a Sunday morning while watching TV, I got a phone call. Private number.
Voice: Hi, is this Jasmine?
Me: Uhm. Yeah. Who’s this?
Voice: It’s Zain. How are you?
Me: Oh… Hi… I’m… Uhm.. Good. You?
Voice: I’m great.
He has called almost everyday for the past 2 years after that. He would call me before bed, before dinner, after dinner, in the morning, afternoon, while he was going to work…
I liked talking to him. I was probably interested in his voice. I thought he sounded sexy and I liked talking to him in a KL Malay slang. I enjoyed practising the accent.
I felt special… You know… When I talked to him.
We never really shared things about ourselves. Well, we did share about our everyday lives and what not, but we never connected on a deeper level. I felt like we were an old married couple, talking about meaningless things but making an effort to make it very exciting and interesting.
We called each other ‘sayang‘ which means ‘dear’ in Malay. I liked calling him that.
I felt mature talking to him, like an adult. He treats me like one too. We didn’t talk about sexual things. Never.
I was 16 when I first talked to him. He was 27.
On the same year I knew Zain, I got to know Sam.
I could not remember exactly where I knew him from. We had a pretty insignificant beginning which probably contributed to my complete memory lost of our meeting.
But I did know one thing, we met on the Internet.
Just like Zain, it started out with an innocent chat on MSN which then escalated to phone calls. He usually calls at night, when he gets back from work. He would rant about his day, and I would listen and give appropriate feedback when needed.
We spoke English but it felt a little different. I guess it was because he was from KL and they speak differently there; slangs I could not understand. Or perhaps, it was our age gap. I was still in high school and he already graduated university, worked for 2 years in his first job and 3 years in the current one.
In one year plus into our friendship, we started calling each other by pet names. He calls me ‘sweetie’. I can’t remember what I called him. I don’t think I even have a name for him.
He leaves me texts in the morning telling me to have a good day and that he will miss me and that he can’t wait to talk to me at night. He would also remind me each day that I am beautiful which made me feel amazing. It was always a great start to my day when he does that.
One night while I was on the phone with him, I asked him the big question.
Me: Why do you talk to me? I’m just a kid.
Him: You’re not just a kid, you’re more than that. I like talking to you, you’re more fun than anyone I know.
Me: How about women your age?
Him: Ahh.. They’re boring! All they talk about is how sucky their work is and how horrible their life is. I’m sick of them. I’m bored with them.
Me: So, why talk to me? All I talk about is school. So boring!
Him: Well, like I said, I like talking to you. You make me forget about my life; work etc.. And besides, you’re gorgeous, they’re not!
I was 16 when I first talked to him. He was 28.
When I watched ‘Trust‘ just now, I felt so connected to the 14-year old character, Annie. I knew what she felt because I understood it; because I’ve been through it. I knew how it feels like to be so emotionally drawn to someone whom you met over the Internet and whom you have talked to since forever, every single day.
Despite knowing that the guy is older than her, it didn’t matter because he treated her like an adult, despite the 20-years age gap. She doesn’t feel like a kid around him because he doesn’t treat her like one. He treats her like she is the most beautiful woman in the world and that feels good, especially for someone who has never had a guy looking at her.
Age is just a number.
Can you imagine how much of an ego boost it is to be treated as someone so special when they are hundreds of women his age out there just waiting on him, but yet, he picked you, a teenager from some high school who is incredibly insignificant and invisible to everybody?
This film allows you to understand why some teenagers did what they did. They were, what you would call, brainwashed, yes. But there is more than just being ‘brainwashed’, more to that and this film explores that.
Watch the full movie here.
MEETING ZAIN AND SAM
When I turned 18, I asked my aunt if I could follow her to KL and for her to get my a flight ticket, as a birthday present. I told her that I was officially legal and that’s such a big age for me, so she agreed to it. My parents didn’t see any wrong in that, so they let me go.
I was to stay with my aunt in her hotel and I could meet friends when she goes out for her convention – work related stuff.
I was thrilled! I called my two friends of mine (whom I know and met before) who were living in KL for a meet up and I too called Zain and Sam and told them about it. They were excited to meet me and I was super excited to meet them!
It was a perfect plan!
To be continued…
For Part 2, click here!