“I define my sexuality in terms of the people that I love. “ ~ George Michael.
It’s funny how we can identify ourselves these days by our sexual orientation. We have created a system where we label or quite plainly how we dictate who we are by the people we choose to have sex with. Once we have established that, it is customary to find a way how we can fit in into both the micro-society we choose to be in and the macro-society of the people around us. Then again what is to happen to people like me? People who chose not to take a path carved based on “who we decide to have sex with”. People who only wish to know what love is regardless of whom and what we are made of or who we decide to have sex with.
What can I say about sexuality? What do I know? I have never even remotely engaged in some sort of a sexual experience other than those confined of my own privacy where I seek self-pleasure. Call it fear, call it principles, call it religiousness, call it morality, but honestly it doesn’t matter. The lines have longed thinned and dissolved or maybe they never really existed at all. My greatest, most beautiful, darkest or even the most sadistic sexual fantasies never escaped the four corners of my mind so once again, what do I know?
Nevertheless, I am human and I am not exempted from the chains of my emotions. Sometimes I would just sit staring blankly because I do not know what I feel. Even as a boy, I can say I have been blessed and cursed with such powerful emotions that not even my mind can cope. When it comes to attraction to others, my whole self becomes almost destructive. I sometimes envy the people around me who make decisions so simply (yes, this is merely my presumption, correct me if I’m wrong) and just to let everything go. Maybe it is because I’ve never tried, I don’t know. I mean, is it so simple to just hook up with someone for a one night stand with no emotional connection, regardless what gender they are and what you truly are?
However, this is only part of my problem. Unfortunately, my psyche is far complex than that. Ever since I was a teenager and when my peers and I divulge in the uncharted waters of our growing sexual desires, somehow I had this “structure”, if I may. I cannot picture or fantasize a girl inappropriately. It would make me a bad person. At this time, I was deeply in love with the one girl who took my breath away the very first time but I couldn’t come to picture her with me intimately, it meant I was betraying her purity.
On the other hand, such desires needed an outlet. Physical education was my least favourite subject in high school and as far as I can remember I have been called a “faggot” because I refused to be any good at football (soccer). Nevertheless, I would still go down to the field for one reason; to catch the site of half-naked athletic young males who parade their almost Greek-God like physique. As scrawny as I was, I couldn’t help but be at awe of them and I never got the confidence to go shirtless so to speak. Being the school “faggot” was already a reputation, I didn’t want to add “skinny faggot” to the list. This so-called awe then turned out to be a sexual outlet. It is amazing how the brain can merge and evolve my sense of envy to a sexual desire. When I see men who are pretty athletic and fit, I feel like I want to be like them and if the drive is too strong, I feel like I want to ‘own’ them to be truly satisfied. Yet, I seem to have figured out when I was seventeen that I can have such strong emotional connection with the women I am attracted to but not with a man and I can only feel the rush of sex when I see men I envy rather than women. Simply put I became a person who was starving from a woman’s emotional touch but started to get addicted to gay porn.
This has been going on for the past six years or so. It tormented me as I was trying to figure out whether I was straight, gay or a bisexual. I thought I made up my mind a few times of what defines my sexuality but my action and thoughts never fail to contradict. I tried everything, even to the occasional witchcraft but it just didn’t work. It was a secret that was eating me up from the inside. It pained to see that because of this burden I never got into any relationship like most of my peers of fear that it might jeopardise it. It did ruin a part of my teenage-hood which I very much regret.
Things have changed as I entered University and met with various people with all the stories that I have learnt from them. Most importantly I met someone who I am in a relationship with and it is a boy. This is a new territory to me. I have only seen a man as a sexual object but not as someone I can share my emotions with and quite frankly, he is not the type I am sexually attracted to. The funny thing is, when I stepped into this relationship, the walls broke and I was open to a boundless field of new things. I was starting to develop emotional feelings for men but at the same time I even see myself diverging into sexual fantasies with women as well. I feel so open, I feel free.
So what am I? A bisexual? No, I refuse to be labelled. I realised that I don’t have a specific sexuality, almost as if I am a heterosexual, a homosexual and a bisexual all at the same time. It may not make sense but I now believe that my sexuality is not conditioned to what I am attracted to but to who I am attracted to and how I want to be sexually attracted. I remember I had a conversation with a friend and we kind-of concluded that sexuality is fluid and it will change like how we change as it “shapeless” like a liquid. We are who we are no matter what we sexually conform to and I feel we shouldn’t lose ourselves in order to find a place. Nothing is wrong in sticking out and being different. There is nothing wrong in being a chameleon, they are pretty awesome creatures. So if you are still figuring out, I say just let it go. Take things as they come and be you. You don’t have to force an idea to shape you but just embrace how you see things around you and how you feel about yourself. It’s ok to be afraid but most importantly, never let it dictate how you should be for you are always loved and always accepted.
Drew Niklaus is a boy who is amazed yet disgusted with the world around him and never fails to stick out like a sore thumb as he chooses to accept who he is day by day.