Suicidal tendencies

Two people in my life have claimed their lives. I knew one of them personally while the other one is a brother of a friend; both of which took their lives by hanging themselves in their homes. One chose to hang himself at the balcony of his apartment so that people would know that his body would be found as he lives alone and would risk nobody finding out his body (my theory), the other one hung himself in his room where his grandmother found him.

I too used to know someone who never gave up in making it his mission to kill himself  (he always failed in dying because people would come to his rescue and every time he survives, his hatred towards those people is multiplied in anger). I tried to be there for him and to support him however I can but it was too much and too depressing for me. He was always very angry and incredibly possessive over me and his depression in turn, made me depressed. I’m not sure if he is alive today though I have a very strong feeling that he is dead.

I could never quite understand why people have suicidal tendencies, but then again, I have never been in their shoes so I wouldn’t know the emotions they go through. I am in no position to tell someone to not kill themselves when they feel so much pain and I don’t. I am though, in a position to tell you how the life for your loved ones will be like because I am one of the loved ones too.

You know, when you die, people you don’t know existed or those who once existed in your life will be sad. They will start to reminisce the good old days and start to question what went wrong in your life. Those who love you will slowly come together and mourn for your death, trying so hard to piece together the reasons as to why you killed yourself when they didn’t see any ‘symptoms’ whatsoever and that you have always been “a very happy person who never fail to make everyone laugh“. Your family whom you thought were never there for you (and perhaps, they never did) suddenly come together and cry hysterically while looking at your lifeless body which bares scars around your neck or wrist or the hole in your skull from the gunshot you fired.

Others will not even look at your body because they do not want to be associated with someone who have sinned, while others look at you with utter interest while thinking to themselves how utterly cool it is to stand before a body of someone who committed suicide. Though many will remember you for your nature of death or the life you lived, many too will forget you just like that as your death is insignificant in their lives. Perhaps too, you death will be the topic of discussion for many years to come where people question the reason or witness the result to your suicide.

Either way, your death is not without vain as it will be talked about for a long time. While many will try to remember your life and the joys your bring to their lives, I cannot deny that it will be hard to not feel sadness when we think about the nature of your death. It pains us greatly to not have been there for you as you suffered in silence and finally made a decision to take your own life. You must have thought greatly of how your family and friends must have reacted to your death and how you are conflicted by this, but it is a choice you have to go through nonetheless and you hope they will understand eventually.

So here we are again; you contemplating whether you should take your own life of not. See, I can’t tell you to stop thinking about killing yourself or that suicide is the wrong thing to do because you already know that. But I can tell you this however… That whatever your decision is, know that although your suffering may end once and for all, the suffering of others is just beginning.

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